spackle me pretty.

I wear a lot of makeup. There. I said it. I didn’t ever want to reveal this to you but the topic has been on my mind so I decided to just get it over with. I want to be as authentic as possible here and this is something I decided was important to share. This is a photo of everything I put on my face before anyone, aside from Kevin and Rubina, sees me. There was a time I had perfect skin; flawless, wrinkle free, acne free and scar free. Those days are long gone. I do a pretty good job with my makeup application so that I don’t really look like I’m wearing as much as I actually am. At least, I think so. You may be thinking quite the opposite… And that’s awkward. Anyway, many of you have even complimented me on my beautiful skin and I usually out myself as having just spackled my face so as to give you the impression of someone who has been blessed with a fresh face even though that person is not me. Yes, that is also awkward. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wearing makeup. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wearing a lot of makeup but the other morning I took a break from staring myself down in the mirror and I saw this…

This sweet, morning ragamuffin met my glance; wide eyed and curious. And then she said, “You’re putting makeup on to make your face look better, mommy. You will be so pretty.” The problem isn’t what she said; she’s 3 and…she’s right. The problem is that my little one sees me cover my face with makeup each day before leaving the house; that she is perceptive enough to know that I am putting on makeup to cover things I don’t want other people to see. Now, I don’t think it’s wrong to want to cover our facial flaws. Trust me, this post will not end with some campaign urging women everywhere to step out without their makeup clad face. I will not say something heroic such as, “I’ll go first and I know you’ll follow!”. I have no plans to do such a thing. I love the security makeup gives me. My skin is a major insecurity of mine. Major. It is not one I’ve overcome yet; it’s one that is ever present and in the forefront of my mind at the start of each day. While I’d obviously love to see my skin improve so much that I wouldn’t be afraid to step out without my shield made up of strategically placed concealer, foundation and powder, I am more concerned about what I am teaching my precious daughter about how we view ourselves. About how I view myself. About how I hope she views herself. I pray everyday that she will have the confidence I lack but how can I expect her to have such confidence if I am not demonstrating it for her ; if I am not teaching her about the real place from which her value derives. I make imprints on her life each day. With each stroke of my blush brush and with each word that is spoken I am making an impact on her. It is Kevin’s and my job to help her build a foundation of confidence, integrity, humility and grace. What I think is important here is that I remember that everything I do throughout my day is teaching her and impacting her positively or negatively. I don’t necessarily think it would help her or me to lessen my makeup routine or to boldly step out into the world without any at all but I do think I need to be very purposeful and direct in teaching her about not placing so much value on how we look or what we wear. Vanity is a great struggle of mine. I often wrestle with finding a balance of caring for myself well and in not placing too much importance on outer beauty. However, it is crucial for this little girl that I do find this balance; that I teach her about how no outer beauty can ever outweigh that of being honorable, trustworthy, forgiving and gracious. These are the things that will give her a greater beauty than can ever be found at the cosmetics counter. So, spackle or no spackle, I will strive to help Rubina build a deeply purposeful and firm foundation so that as she moves through life her view will not be clouded by outer beauty but that she will be able to see beyond the surface to a deeper, more beautiful place.