The Flu With a Side of Fear…

If you’re wondering where I’ve been for the past couple weeks… I’ve been battling the flu with a side of fear. Our Kickstarter campaign ended over a week ago and I haven’t been writing at all. Typically, I write everyday. Typically, I write multiple times throughout each day and sporadically throughout each night. But the flu bug that invaded our home and the fear I’ve allowed to envelop me brought my writing to a halt and I hate that. I decided this weekend to share it all with you; not the flu, hopefully, but the other stuff…

Last year I, finally, began writing my book intentionally meaning I actually created an outline and named chapters rather than just jotting down notes here and there. I would sit down and write each chapter as I felt so moved and the pages began to grow together. When I started I knew I could only write well if I were willing to be authentic; to go all in or not at all. Starting this site was a part of my path to authenticity. I’ve shared about my struggle in this area and I think it was age and maturity that brought me to a place where I felt the freedom and courage to be transparent; to share my feelings, dreams, goals and thoughts without apology.

I truly believe authenticity is imperative to living well.

One of my favorite things to do is look back on past seasons of my life and see how the Lord was at work preparing me for the future; readying me for what He had in store. If only we had the patience and endurance to wait on Him and rest in Him without becoming frantic or weighed down with worry, right? So, this small corner of the internet has become my space to share pieces of myself in a way that is authentic and legit. Now, I don’t share everything, of course (What kind of idiot would I be??), but, regarding the areas of my life I do choose to share with you, I try to share without reservation. I mean, if I’m going to share my thigh struggle (which you can read about here), then I’m going to give you a picture to go with it. And if I’m going to reveal I wear a lot of makeup (which I did here), I’m also going to let you see the several steps I go through to get full, and I mean full, coverage.

So, when I look back on the months leading up to Michael (Director of Calcutta is My Mother) asking me to be the subject of the documentary, I can see the Lord working purposefully on me and laying some serious ground work. I cannot write a book without being authentic. I cannot share my life on this site without being authentic. And I most certainly cannot be the subject of this documentary without being authentic. Making the decision to live my life more authentically was easier than you might think. Implementing it? A different story. I cannot tell you the minutes, turned hours in which I’ve labored over hitting the “Publish” button on these pages. I’ve hummed and hawed, stalled, sweat through t-shirts, prayed and edited for hours. “Do I really want to share this? What will they think of me? This is too much.”… and on and on goes my thought process. To date, I’ve never backed down from publishing a post because of fear but that doesn’t mean the fear isn’t there. It’s there. Ever present. I live with it and I’m currently struggling with it on a level I’ve not yet experienced. What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of exposing the deepest parts of me on film. I’m afraid I’ll be misunderstood. I’m afraid of the greatness of my own expectations. I’m afraid of disappointment. I’m afraid of letting down my supporters. I’m afraid of not making an impact. I’m afraid this fear will paralyze me. Did you read that correctly? Yes. I’m afraid of fear. That’s pretty bad. Being afraid is one thing; being afraid of being afraid is just stupid.

I’m moving forward and I’m committed to doing so but, if I’m being honest, I’m swimming in fear and insecurity. I figured all that was left to do was admit my struggle and dive in deeper. I cannot let the enormity of this fear consume me. This opportunity is something I’m so grateful to have been given and I will be transparent in the process. I’m working to let go of the fear so as to not be paralyzed by it. To walk freely in knowing all I can do is live authentically. I will not let fear stop me. I will not let fear inhibit me. I will not let fear steal away opportunity. The fear may not go anywhere; I highly doubt I’ll be able to rid myself of it entirely but I will endure it. I will rise above it in order to fulfill my purpose.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

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