him…

Do you know I do not think of him? I mean, it’s extremely rare he crosses my mind. I’m referring to my biological father. I so often think of her (my biological mother) and rarely of him. Isn’t that interesting? In fact, I only thought to write this down because I was in the process of writing about her again and one, small, uninvited thought of him crept in. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a woman so I identify more with her, or the idea of her, than with him. I don’t know if it’s because I know she carried me within her for several months thus giving us the unique intimacy shared between a mother and her child. I don’t know. He obviously played a key role in my being here but he never crosses my mind. I mean, not never, but truthfully I only thought to write about him because I noticed the absence of him in the rest of my writing. Bizarre.

While I don’t know very many details of my birth, I do know I was found in the slums of Calcutta and taken to an orphanage. I don’t know if she was with me when I was found. I don’t know if she was alive or dead at that time. I don’t know if she is alive or dead now. Sometimes, I will drift off in thought and wonder about those moments in which my life came to be; was I the product of a loving encounter or one of hate? Was I the result of youthful carelessness and passion or an unwanted and violent occurrence? These are questions I will likely never answer. To some it may seem crude, or odd for me to wonder such things but I would venture to say that if you do not know how your life came to be, you too would wonder. I’m here, so what’s it matter, right? You’re right in that I’m grateful just to be but weren’t we created for greater purposes than that of simply surviving? I want to thrive and feel. I want to have a firm grasp on who I am in heritage and in character. I want to know all that I can. And so I dig and ask and pursue. And my pursuit of him has just begun.

As I’ve opened myself up and allowed all of these thoughts to swim around in my head I have found that I have a better understanding of myself and of other adoptees. Often times we choose not to pull at that one thread, not to allow ourselves to voice some of our intimate thoughts for fear of unraveling and being judged on a very personal level; I’m sort of beyond that now. Some of what I wonder and process in my head will make it onto the pages of my book and will show up here in my small corner of the internet but much of it stays within me and is simply a part of my personal growth. Sometimes just allowing myself to think the thought is enough for me and I’m then able to find closure on that one small piece. So when I say “my pursuit of him has just begun” I don’t mean I’ll begin some massive undertaking of finding my birth father because I, truthfully, don’t have a desire for that at this point. I have a desire to understand the culture of my biological parents and I don’t know where it will go from there… I don’t know if once I pull that thread, another will appear or if I’ll unravel the entire tapestry. For now, I’m open and ready to pursue this path and see where it takes me…