Block & Flow

Feast…Famine.

All…Nothing.

My previous post was about my excitement of beginning another year and all of the blank space splayed out before me. The truth is that since writing those words I’ve really struggled in the first days of 2015; to find motivation, to complete my to-do lists, to follow through and to really live well. I’m all block or all flow. What does that mean?

Block: stopped dead in my tracks; vision-less, scatterbrained, unorganized and lazy.

Flow: bursting at the seams with energy, drive and focus; fulfilling my commitments and working passionately.

Some people live by the “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”, mantra. I can tend to live by the “I’ll sleep when I’m supposed to be working” mantra.

No, I don’t sleep all day. I have a 3 1/2 year old (pretty sure I sleep less now than I did when she was an infant). But do I think of sleeping all day? Uh…often, yes. Sleep is an escape; a way to avoid and to turn off. In my opinion bedtime is amazing and not only for the obvious being that I get to sleep and the knowledge that I have actually survived another day but also because of the comfort in knowing that nothing is expected of me for several hours. I think that’s where the block begins for me…expectation. I struggle with feeling like there is so much to do and that I need to master it all; to be that woman who can do 8 zillion things without breaking a sweat. A woman who isn’t lazy. A woman who doesn’t swim in her fears and insecurities; who isn’t paralyzed by what others will think of her.

The truth is that in order to be a woman who lives well I have to remind myself of my purpose, my value, my abilities. I need to be thankful that I am healthy and able and take advantage of those blessings. I need to move forward. And I need to cut myself some slack; not the kind of slack that clears me of any responsibility and allows me a guilt free nap but the kind where I set myself up to succeed within realistic expectations. The kind of success where I set attainable daily, weekly, lifelong goals and work hard to achieve them. Sometimes success doesn’t include a shower or healthy meals. Sometimes success means spending quality time with my little one; reading her favorite books, taking the time to listen to her speak and tell me about the things that are most important to her and stopping to see the new funny face she came up with for future selfies. Success can even be restarting the washing machine for the 4th time because I forgot about that particular load 2 days ago and then transferring it, finally, to the dryer. And then folding it after 6 dryer restart/fluffs the following day. See…that one load gave me 2 days of succcess 😉 Yay me! But really, success and living well are personal to each of us, individually. I am responsible for me and my success. I am responsible to live well in a way that is best suited for me and my family. I struggle with laziness; this is something I’m always working to combat in my life. It’s so much easier to close myself off and shut down rather than look expectations square in the face. For me, a lot of my success comes from doing rather than talking. From taking steps, small as they may be, in the right direction. You might think my dreams are a joke. I can’t care. You might think I’m a water wasting, over drying, laundry forgetting fool. I can’t care. I can’t care what you think because I don’t have room for worrying about what you think. Trust me, it’s taken me a long time to choose not to care what you think and it’s something I have to redirect my thoughts away from daily. I just can’t care because my mind is already too muddled up with my own criticisms of me and I simply do not have room for the judgments of any one else. And I don’t have room to judge you, either.

The older I get, I find myself thinking less of what everyone else is doing. I have learned that my own struggle is plenty for me to handle. What you’re doing; how you’re doing it is none of my business. In order to have success over my own days and my own plans, I need to worry less about you and more about me. I need to be less nosy; to narrow my focus on doing what I am called to do. I wish you well too. I hope you’re successful in managing your days and fulfilling your dreams. I know you can do it. I know I can too. In my world, it’s time to work hard and stay focused; to block the block and release the flow.

And here we are. In all our funny faced, weird, selfie taking glory. Time well spent.

Flow, friends, flow.