17 Hours.

The time between now and day 1 of filming Calcutta is My Mother is dwindling and my anxiety is mounting. So often I wish I were more laid back and confident; easy going and relaxed. I certainly can be those things but in describing myself those traits wouldn’t even make the top 10 list. I’m feeling eager and anxiety ridden. I’ve learned, over the course of the past year, that I often have very conflicting emotions; opposing even. It’s a real trip inside my head. For real. I’m up, I’m down, I’m all around. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Yes, you should be praying for Kevin 😉 Living with me is never exactly easy but these days? Let’s just say he’s officially achieved sainthood.

17 hours is the longest period of time in which I’ve been away from Rubina. She’s spent 4 nights away from me but we’ve never even been separate for 24 hours. I’ll be away from Kevin and Ruby for 16 days. In case you’re wondering, that’s 384 hours. And, yes, I pulled out my calculator in order to tackle that major mathematical equation because I don’t have nearly enough fingers. I’m not the math doing type of Indian. 384 hours. 16 days. Apart. For the record, I’m not wild about being apart from my husband for that long either. I’m nervous. I’m afraid. I feel guilty. I’ve filled an entire notebook with instructions and notes (more for me than anyone else).

There are, however, some upsides:

1. I get to do this. I mean, HELLO? This is major.

2. My husband is absolutely capable of holding down the fort and my only fear is he’ll do it better than me.

3. My incredibly wonderful mother-in-law (who isn’t mother-in-law-ish at all) will be here for half of the time to help. What a GIFT. Rubina is thrilled.

Three seems like a good number of upsides but, I assure you, there are more. Will the anxiety subside? Not likely. I’ll need to continuously pray for deeper faith and greater peace. If you think I’m a crazy obsessed mom, you’re correct. I am exactly that. I hover. I worry. I obsess. I’m fairly certain that’s all in the job description though so I’m good with it. I’m trying to view this as another opportunity for me to stretch myself and allow room for growth. As it pertains to the documentary, my list of worries is long; some are legitimate and some are superficial. My greatest concern, of course, being the time away from my family but a close second is knowing my double chin(s) is about to be filmed from every angle. I’m just sayin’…the struggle is real.


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