I’m terrible about unpacking after returning from a trip. Always have been. Terrible. Embarrassingly so. I’ve been home from Calcutta for about 2 weeks and this is an actual snapshot of the space where my suitcase, backpack and a pile of odds and ends have come to reside; hopefully not permanently. Albeit a small glimpse of the mess, I assure you, it’s expansive. (I’m of course sharing the cleanest portion of it…)
On the surface, this is merely a reflection of the disorganization and laziness I often struggle to overcome but I know the issue is actually much deeper. I’m having a difficult time processing all that took place in Calcutta. I haven’t shared specifics with anyone beyond Kevin, my parents and my brothers.
I’m just not ready to unpack.
I’m fiercely protective over my experience in Calcutta. Fiercely protective. I know many of you are curious to hear details and stories but, at this point, I’m not in a place in which I’m able to share and I appreciate your understanding and sensitivity. Coming home and stepping back into my daily life as a wife and mom has been easy and effortless; embracing all I experienced has not been. It’s difficult but good; it can be both and it is both. I’m not sure I’m far enough removed to even begin the process of dealing with Calcutta and how it has affected me. In time, of course, I’ll process it to a point of satisfaction but today I’m avoiding what I know is coming… I’m actually standoffish from my own self; from my thoughts and feelings. I’m avoiding quiet time and am surrounding myself with others constantly so as not to be left alone. Is that healthy? Maybe not. I’m okay with it though. I know the quiet, pensive, “deal with it” moments are coming and while I’ll embrace them when they do come, I’m just not there yet… I need grace and patience and time; all of which I’m deeply thankful to have.