Rubina often presents some interesting topics during our evening bedtime banter; anything to stall and fill the short space of time between adamantly protesting her sleepiness and her sweet, little snores. She’s presented many questions over the years during this time…
Last night, after singing each of her favorite songs [twice] she quietly said, “Mommy, I don’t know how to be a ninja. Do I need to learn?” To which I responded, “I don’t know how to be a ninja either, do you think we need to learn?” “Yes, mommy, we should learn.”.
She drifted off to sleep a few minutes later without another word. And so I got to thinking… She’s right. Who wouldn’t want to be a ninja? They’re so mysterious and stealth like. They’re cool. They exude such confidence and sport that all black get up like a shield against anything or anyone that might try to challenge them in their supremeness. I think Rubina is onto something. I should learn how to be a ninja. For one, I think the slimming blackout look and eye cutouts would work well for me. Really. I’ve got decent lash and brow game. Only showing my eyes and clothing myself in all black sounds pretty ideal. All black… Sounds familiar… Sounds like Tuesday through Monday in my closet currently… Anyway, we’ve all heard the saying “The eyes are the window to the soul” which might lead anyone who is a firm believer in that to run from clothing themselves in an eye only revealing ninja ensemble. I, personally, love the idea.
I spend a lot of my time afraid of what other people will think of me. Yes, a lot. And, yes, afraid. Fear has always played a big role in my life. It’s prevented me from taking leaps I now regret not taking. I’m afraid to take risks, afraid of offending people, afraid others won’t understand where I’m coming from or what my motives are and, most of all, afraid others won’t believe I’m capable or worthy. This is one of the reasons I have a hard time with follow through. I often back out of things I’ve started because of fear; whether it be simple such as writing one blog post or more complex such as writing an entire book… When fear sets in I want to run. When I overthink things I want to shut down. When I dwell on what could go wrong I simply stop moving forward. I don’t personally know any ninjas but I’m guessing they don’t do any of those things. I think we could all agree that ninjas are kickass; not really afraid of anything therefore not able to be bound by any fears. I could use some fearlessness in my life. Even better, some kickassedness (made up word). I could use some armor.
I was asked to work on a pretty exciting project several months ago. Kevin and I prayed about it and decided it was exactly what was next for us. And although I’m certain this to be the path we’re supposed to be on, I’m terrified. Now, I can tend to err on the side of being overly dramatic but this happens to be an instance where the word accurately matches the feeling. Fear has set in. It has set up camp and is alive and well within me. I’ve tried to back out of the project twice, if I’m being honest. I’m thankful (and sometimes irritated) to have Kevin by my side; he has helped me keep my word, honor my commitment and move forward. I’m thankful to have someone to encourage me and support me and hold me accountable.
I’m sorry to keep you in suspense regarding project details but I promise to share (and ask for your help ;)) sometime within the next few weeks.
Nin-ja (noun) a person who excels in a particular skill or activity
I want to excel.
So, clothe me in black and view only my eyes because I am going to teach my daughter how to be a ninja. I’m going to teach her how to armor up, set aside her fears and walk proudly and sleekly down the path that is hers. I’m going to demonstrate follow through by fulfilling my commitments and help her learn to be precise and purposeful in her movements. I want her to learn to be pure in her intentions and focused in her direction. I want her to look her fears directly in the face and ninja them. (I’m really going to need to do more research because I’m fairly certain ninjas don’t call what they do “ninja-ing”. But, let’s be real, the extent of my knowledge regarding ninjas barely scratches the surface of those ninjas of the teenage turtle type).
It seems I’m always working out something major in my life on these pages and outing myself as being anything but someone who has it all together but that’s life. I’m happy to have a space to work out my fears and to bring you along for the strange, sometimes awkward ride.
It’s going to get better, this ride, because I’m about to get my ninja on…